halloween on bleecker street
blog.
true life: i listen to obnoxious electronic music and it annoys the people around me
I had a solo dance party in Crit Room 3 yesterday listening to my load electronic music lol.
I am hopeful! Please please please let this be something that lasts more than a week of interest. I am so tired of guys going MIA.
Katharina Knoll
this song is for you. We need to talk this week I would like to know how you are doing! I miss you! I’m here for you whenever you need, and i wish i was in a closer physical proximity.
Ah I needed that :) I wish you were closer too, but as long as I get to hear from you it’s better than nothing!
I’m going to write a list of things to be thankful for.
i almost solely follow girls on tumblr and all of us worry about all of the same things. i’m glad i’m not the only one with the same doubts and shit. nobody ever talks about these things in real life. (at least not to me cause i only have stupid boys for friends!)
Sometimes I talk about these things in real life… then I just feel like I’m raining on someone’s parade lol.
i had a long talk the other day with a friend of mine who, for a number of reasons, chooses to be completely sober. while i do not totally agree with his point of view, i am always intrigued at the reasons for declaring such an absolute at a fairly young age.
i broke down to him, confessing how low and weak i have been feeling. almost in desperation, i asked him how he coped if he didn’t drink or do drugs. the question sort of made me feel like a low-life but it was a moment of pure honesty. without beer and wine and weed and adderall and coke and pills and any and every put-me-down, pick-me-up, fuck-me-up substance, how do i, how does anyone manage to wade through this heavy fog of despair that seems to encompass us all to some degree? how does one find the strength to overcome sadness naturally when altering your state of consciousness is such a convenient option? such a quick fix?
among the many level-headed things he said, he reminded me of the fleeting nature of these substances. like so many sources of pleasure in my life, they are only temporary. is the thrill worth the come-down? the realization, once more, that you cannot depend on anything external to maintain happiness? not substances and not other people. the relationships i form when i’m drunk and fucked up are not real. they are not substansial. i am not real or substansial. why do we so desperately strive to make these shallow connections?
a paradox: i do not go to parties unless i am fucked up. if i am not fucked up, i will hate everyone. so why am i 1) going somewhere to hang out with people i don’t like? and 2) wasting my money and health just so i can force myself to put up with people i don’t like? IT MAKES NO SENSE!
i’m not saying i’m going to give up drinking or drugs or anything like that. i never will. i was raised in a family that has a conservative yet healthy attitude toward substances and i’ve never had a problem with addiction, dependance or wreckless behavior when it comes to drugs and drinking. they are recreational, they are fun. they are not a sick, twisted dependance or a fucking shit show. i like to experiment with my friends, but unfortunately the majority of my peers don’t see it this way. instead it’s drink to get drunk, to start fights, make a mess, make mistakes. i’m just not down with it and i’m tired of witnessing one disaster after another because of the inability to self-regulate.
again, i will never declare absolutes. i am not without fault nor am i immune to temptation. i have just reached a point personally and socially where i want to remove myself from such self-destructive behavior and instead reach out to/find friends that share a calmer and more responsible attitude toward substances. i got real drunk on friday night and nothing good came of it—spent money i don’t have, suffered through a hangover i didnt need, met people whose names i don’t remember and play-pretended to be best friends with everyone in the world. i can’t convince myself that i’m okay with that anymore, let alone that i even enjoy it.
i realize this puts me in a somewhat lonely predicament, but i have to make peace with that. i refuse to continue compromising my values for the convenience of having a social life. there are too many important things i am anxious to accomplish to perpetuate this unhealthy and capricious lifestyle.
I feel like that’s partly why I feel alone. I don’t drink to get drunk and make it easier to socialize. Maybe I’m an old fogie because I drink what I think tastes good. People will leave me out because they expect me not to drink and that will mean that I won’t have fun. Not true. And then there’s that moment where someone thinks I’m judging them once they realize that I’m not drunk. But honestly, I’m not judging. If I’m thinking anything it’s either that person is really funny or I hope that they won’t puke. I think I am more experimental in my approach to things as well. To see what it’s like, to see what I’m like, and what can come from it.
We should get coffee or just go on a walk or something after our class some time this week.
